Amplified Introvert Ep3

Hey there friend. Thanks for tuning in. This is Rob with the Amplified Introvert, and you're listening to episode three, Ditch The Small Talk.

So first I wanna say thank you for listening, friends.

Publishing this little thing, whatever it is each week, it's become a highlight of my week where I can just sit down with you and chat, get a few things off of my chest, explore some of the things that matter, and just talk about things that I've learned over the years, it's because of listeners like you that I'm able to sit here and do that.

Last week I talked about the art of setting boundaries to protect your precious energy, right? I believe I said something like saying no to the things that you don't care about or the silly stuff when needed is essentially just saying yes to yourself.

So try to say yes to yourself more often, and I really hope you've tried to put that into practice last week. It is a continuous practice, but it's one that totally deserves the effort. Sometimes we get caught up in being a people pleaser and need the extra push.

I've been there a lot myself. I get it. If that's you, and that's the push you need. Here's your push, here's your reminder. Take that time out for you. Get those blocks of time in each day, 15, 20, 30 minutes time out for you.

This week I wanna talk about something else that's very common among introverts.

It's a just tremendous challenge for us, and that's navigating conversations , especially the dreaded small talk. Let's ditch the small talk and as someone who spent 25 years in marketing, that is a field that often demands constant interaction, I've had my share of all of those things.

Does anyone actually like small talk or buzzwords?

Have you been there? Let's be honest, for most of us, it feels like running on a treadmill. We're constantly expending energy without really getting anywhere.

So we start thinking of something else or we look elsewhere, or we'll just stand there with blank looks on our faces and hands in our pockets.

And then what happens?

We get mislabeled as being shy or antisocial.

We're misunderstood often, it happens all the time, and it's not that we dislike people, it's that superficial chit chat can be incredibly draining and it often feels insincere.

But as you and I both know, not talking about these things or not wanting to engage in small talk can also make some people insecure.

Well, many of us introverts, we simply avoid it or we just put our mind elsewhere. It's because we're wired for depth, not drivel, right?

We crave meaningful discussions that stimulate our minds and our souls allowing for a genuine exchange of intriguing ideas and emotion, not the weather. Alright?

Not Aunt Flo's apple pie recipe. Who gives a shit?

But it's really hard to find deep connection and deep conversations in the business world. I remember tons of networking events early in my career where I would find myself just mentally exhausted. After a few minutes of that surface level babble, cluelessly walking around the trade show floor, shaking, sweaty hands, and talking about sports, the weather, golf, none of which I care a thing about.

My mind was starved for substance, absolutely starved. And then I realized, hey. If I wanted to truly connect with anyone or even make any impact at all, man, I would need a new approach. And thankfully, I discovered that you don't have to act extroverted to have decent conversations and are introverted quirks.

Well, they can be leveraged.

The key lies in just one word and that word's curiosity. So I started harnessing the same curiosity I had for my own ideas to explore new ideas with other people. I began to become as interested in others as I was interested in myself.

I know it sounds self-centered, but you and I both know we spend a lot of time in our heads. We love our ideas. I can sit there and think about something I'm painting, drawing, or working on, or a song I'm working on or even a toy when I get from my cat. I can sit there and think about that for an hour and I'm thrilled in my own head, but it's not thrilling for others.

But if we take that same level of curiosity and we push it outward and project it...

They say that if you smile at the world, the world smiles back.

What you give to others, they give to you.

So I must think that by that same analogy, well, attention works the same way.

So if you're interested in other people, they're gonna be more interested in you.

 The key lies in one word. Curiosity. In fact, I started harnessing the same curiosity I had for my own ideas to explore new ideas with other people.

Now, at first it felt strange and like most habits, it took a few weeks to train my nervous system to accept and automate the behavior.

But over time, after a little while, I found myself just asking others questions, being more involved in their conversations, right? I got outta my own head. I just had to practice it.

Because for most of us, we don't like to pry in a conversation. It, it makes us feel bad to ask questions. It feels almost invasive because we don't like that, right? It might cause a spike in cortisol levels or stress for us, but for some it makes 'em feel good.

To have meaningful conversations with other people, this is exactly what you must do: learn to ask better questions during the discussion, and then once you're asking questions, you can transform that shallow conversation into something with deeper meaning, right?

You wanna transform the shallow.

So you first need to take control of the discussion by asking thoughtful questions at the right time. Now, don't be rude or interrupt. Actively listen to the other person.

Then after listening, ask questions. It's that simple.

So here's how I transform shallow interactions into opportunities for deep connection, leveraging simple questions and deep curiosity.

The first thing I do, I ask why questions. Now this is the gateway to depth, ladies and gentlemen. Instead of asking questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no, or stick in the surface level, what and how questions try to get to the why.

This immediately invites a more thoughtful response and reveals deeper motivations. For example, instead of, "do you like your job?" try and ask them, "what do you find most interesting or challenging about your work right now?"

Do you see what I did there? "Do you like your job?" They can just say yes or no, and they can completely exit out of the conversation and then it ends and it's just really awkward for both of you. But if you say, "what do you find interesting or challenging about your job", or "what's the most exciting thing you're working on right now?" Something that goes a little bit deeper than just surface level can really invite a nice conversation.

Now the next thing, and this kind of ties into that, all right, asking why questions, this is going to give deeper discussion, you're gonna find out more things about the person, and this is going to evolve into what I call shared interests.

Once you're learning more about the person, you might find out they like to ride bikes, they like cats, they like weightlifting, they like to drink Pepsi, there's a whole variety of things that you can use from this discussion now to have a shared interest with that person.

We often connect best through shared interests, in fact, and if you notice a clue about someone's hobby or an interest they have, maybe it's a book they're reading, a band on their shirt. It could be a comment they made about a project they're working on.

Use it as a springboard. Ask about that.

Say "Hey, I noticed you mentioned X, Y, Z. What got you into that?" Or "what's something you're really into working on right now?" You know, people love talking about what they're passionate about. They love talking about themselves, and it naturally leads to more engaging dialogue, friendship, and a deeper level of rapport.

But to do this. You have to engage technique number three.

The third technique I found to be super helpful is being an active listener. Now, this is your superpower, okay there, Clark Kent? This is where introverts truly shine. Instead of thinking about what you're gonna say next when the person's talking, focus intently on what they're communicating and ask follow up questions based on their responses.

Alright? You don't wanna listen to reply. You wanna listen to understand. This is the basis for all active listening skills, because when people truly feel heard, they feel valued, and that builds a very deep level of trust and deep connection. So give it a shot. Put active listening into practice, and don't fear the silence.

Number four.

Introverts, we're often comfortable with pauses in conversation. We use them to process thoughts. Maybe we're daydreaming and we'll just use that bit of time to finish the idea we just had. However, a lot of extroverts and other people, this might make them uncomfortable and they may feel compelled to fill every bit of silence.

Get used to silence.

Use pauses in discussions, they're actually very powerful. Don't feel pressured to rush. It can allow for much more thoughtful responses from both sides, so give it a try.

Number five, use observations as openers.

Now instead of a generic "how are you", make an observation about the environment or something the person is doing. Say, "Hey, that's an interesting piece of art. What do you think of it?" or, "I love the music they're playing here. Do you like this kind of thing?" Now, this is a low pressure way to initiate a conversation and see where it leads.

So these are five things that I have learned in my career as a marketer, and just through my 46 years on this planet that has helped to take me from a really shy person, a person that'll stand in the corner and people watch to someone that can actually become the life of the party, initiate sales deals, and bring down millions of dollars for my clients.

So I really wanted to share that with you. All right?

Don't try to impress people. Connect with people. Okay. That's the goal. The goal is connection. By leveraging your natural curiosity, your listening skills, and your preference for depth, you can transform shallow conversations and build the meaningful relationships that you deserve, all while honoring your introverted energy.

So I'd love to hear your experiences. What is one thing that you found helpful for turning small Talk into real talk or for having deeper discussions?

I'd love to know, share in the comments below.

So thank you for listening, and until next week, keep amplifying.